I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.  If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.  It's the truth.\n-- Charlie Chaplin
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.  Great song.\n-- Fred Reuss
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.  There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work.\n-- Gallagher
I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie.\n-- Princess Leia Organa
I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
I'll never get off this planet.\n-- Luke Skywalker
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.\n-- Will Rogers
I've got a very bad feeling about this.\n-- Han Solo
If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.\n-- Paul Beatty
If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse.\n-- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
If I had any humility I would be perfect.\n-- Ted Turner
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from a laboratory jar at Harvard.\n-- Frank Sinatra AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.\n-- Bob Hope
If it ain't baroque, don't phiques it.
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.\n-- Louis Armstrong
If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one Maltese Falcon.\n-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.\n-- Don Marquis
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.\n-- Fred Allen
Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal.\n-- Lionel Trilling
Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal.\n-- T.S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger"
In Hollywood, all marriages are happy.  It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems.\n-- Shelley Winters
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.\n-- Rex Reed
In just seven days, I can make you a man!\n-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending your left leg, it's modern architecture.\n-- Nancy Banks Smith
In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy.
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.\n-- Tom Lehrer
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.\n-- Rod Serling
It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.\n-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's condo.
It looks like it's up to me to save our skins.  Get into that garbage chute, flyboy!\n-- Princess Leia Organa
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.\n-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul Harry Cohn
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.\n-- Robert Benchley
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It'll be just like Beggars' Canyon back home.\n-- Luke Skywalker
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.\n-- Mick Jagger
It's clever, but is it art?
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
It's from Casablanca.  I've been waiting all my life to use that line.\n-- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam"
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."\n-- Walt Disney
It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.\n-- Sam Goldwyn
It's not easy, being green.\n-- Kermit the Frog
It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.\n-- Garfield
James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.\n-- Tom Stoppard
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general."
Jim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account. You don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!\n-- "The Rockford Files"
Jim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!\n-- "The Rockford Files"
Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!\n-- "The Rockford Files"
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it to you.  You gonna pay it?\n-- "The Rockford Files"
JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! (George and Ringo miffed.)
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.\n-- Bob Dylan
Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.'\n-- Glynda the Good
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.\n-- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who"
Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar.\n-- S.J. Perelman
Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast.
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
Linus:	Hi!  I thought it was you.\nI've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great! Snoopy:	That's nice to know.\nThe secret of life is to look good at a distance.
Linus:	I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe\nwe should think only about today. Charlie Brown:\nNo, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping that yesterday will get\nbetter.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.\n-- James Dean
Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!
Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano.
Lucy:	Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.\nCan't you be serious for once? Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think\nof the more important things in life!\n(pause)\nTomorrow!!
Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.\n-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
Maj. Bloodnok:	Seagoon, you're a coward! Seagoon:	Only in the holiday season. Maj. Bloodnok:	Ah, another Noel Coward!
Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you\ndon't think, right?"\n-- Dr. Who
Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing tricks on me and treating me badly.\n-- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur
Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam dancing.\n-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!\n-- Monty Python
"Microwave oven?  Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven?  I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.\n-- Casablanca
Mike:	"The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie:	"Nobody ever empties the ashtrays.  People are SO inconsiderate."\n-- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.\n-- John Ciardi
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy...\n-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free lessons or what?\n-- "The Rockford Files"
Mr. Rockford?  Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.\n-- "The Rockford Files"
Mr. Rockford?  This is Betty Joe Withers.  I got four shirts of yours from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake.  I don't know why they gave me men's shirts but they're going back.\n-- "The Rockford Files"
Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!\n-- "The Rockford Files"
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.\n-- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"\n-- MadameX
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.\n-- Peter Stack, movie review His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. -- John Stark, movie review
No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.\n-- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about film rights to "Gone With the Wind". Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
No house should ever be on any hill or on anything.  It should be of the hill, belonging to it.\n-- Frank Lloyd Wright
No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe their wish has been granted.\n-- W.H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand"
No two persons ever read the same book.\n-- Edmund Wilson
"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"\n-- Dr. Who
Nobody can be exactly like me.  Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.\n-- Tallulah Bankhead
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
Not all who own a harp are harpers.\n-- Marcus Terentius Varro
Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how weak he is.\n-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"
One big pile is better than two little piles.\n-- Arlo Guthrie
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices.  No one else in town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
People in general do not willingly read if they have anything else to amuse them.\n-- S. Johnson
Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind.\n-- Thomas Macaulay
Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars.  The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets.\n-- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer), "Venus on the Half Shell"
Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.\n-- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain an uncontainable experience.\n-- R.S. Knapp
Prizes are for children.\n-- Charles Ives, upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize
Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.\n-- Zoso
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
Rascal, am I?  Take THAT!\n-- Errol Flynn
Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille.\n-- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."\n-- Dave Barry
Satire is tragedy plus time.\n-- Lenny Bruce
Satire is what closes in New Haven.
Satire is what closes Saturday night.\n-- George Kaufman
'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky!\n-- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix
She ran the gamut of emotions from 'A' to 'B'.\n-- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing, you should hear me play piano.'"\n-- Morrisey
She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is good at being short.\n-- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe
Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet!  I'm hunting wabbits...
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.\n-- Martin Mull
Sir, it's very possible this asteroid is not stable.\n-- C3P0
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets.  Imagination without skill gives us modern art.\n-- Tom Stoppard
