A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.\n-- Carl Sandburg
A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...\n-- Gilda Radner
Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.\n-- Robin Hood
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us.\n-- Henrik Tikkanen
Billy:	Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from\ngeneration to generation? Mom:	Yes? Billy:	Well, this generation dropped it.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" "In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so.
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them.  That's when they come over and violate your body space.
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next.\n-- Franklin P. Jones
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.\n-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.\n-- Phyllis Diller There is no need to do any housework at all.  After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. -- Quentin Crisp
Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.\n-- Robert Heinlein
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
For adult education nothing beats children.
For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back.
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5\n"And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!"\n-- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6\n"Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"\n-- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.\n-- Martin Mull
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?"\n-- Linus Van Pelt
I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows."  Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. They're still living in the fifties.\n-- Strange de Jim
I hate babies.  They're so human.\n-- H.H. Munro
I know what "custody" [of the children] means.  "Get even."  That's all custody means.  Get even with your old lady.\n-- Lenny Bruce
I love children.  Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away.\n-- Nancy Mitford
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid.  I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.\n-- Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them said, "So will you."\n-- Rodney Dangerfield
I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no more mature than I am.
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.\n-- Will Rogers
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
If parents would only realize how they bore their children.\n-- G.B. Shaw
If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.\n-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
If the very old will remember, the very young will listen.\n-- Chief Dan George
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.\n-- Bette Davis
If your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan.
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.\n-- Kingsley Amis
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.\n-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed.\n-- Arthur Binstead
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on.
Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!\n-- Ma Barker
Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded.
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.\n-- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down"
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.\n-- Jules Feiffer
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
Microwaves frizz your heir.
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.\n-- Iphicrates
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.\n-- Groucho Marx
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) "Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.\n-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"\n-- Sue Murphy
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.\n-- Friday
My parents went to Niagara Falls and all I got was this crummy life.
Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated until they acquire some sense.\n-- William Phelps
Never have children, only grandchildren.\n-- Gore Vidal
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.\n-- Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected.\n-- Robert Orben
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets.
No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.\n-- Florida Scott-Maxwell
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.\n-- Lewis Lapham
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.\n-- George Herbert
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old enough to give you presents they make at school.\n-- Robert Byrne
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they didn't have much of anything to do with it.
Please, Mother!  I'd rather do it myself!
Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.\n-- Thomas Berger
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child.  She must be found and stopped.\n-- Sam Levenson
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers.\n-- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde"
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood.\n-- Logan Pearsall Smith
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.\n-- Clarence Darrow
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
The future is a myth created by insurance salesmen and high school counselors.
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.\n-- John Barrymore
The idea is to die young as late as possible.\n-- Ashley Montague
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.\n-- Laurence J. Peter
"The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon."\n-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over"
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The real reason large families benefit society is because at least a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen.  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."\n-- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia"
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.\n-- Dr. Who
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the ocean.  After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.\n-- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour"
We are the people our parents warned us about.
What's done to children, they will do to society.
When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.\n-- Brian Aldiss
When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.  By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have, for instance.\n-- Franklin P. Jones
You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
Youth is such a wonderful thing.  What a crime to waste it on children.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
Youth is the trustee of posterity.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
Youth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.
