94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here.
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.\n-- Don Quinn
A bachelor is an unaltared male.
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy for ever.\n-- Helen Rowland
A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the horse, but it don't fix the leg.
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and purgatory for the purse.
A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.\n-- Kipling
A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad.\n-- Emerson
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.\n-- Robert Benchley
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.\n-- John Steinbeck
A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.  There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonourable behaviour.  Unless she's really attractive.\n-- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy"
A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.\n-- Robert Frost
A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?"
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl.  He came back from his honeymoon a chastened man.  He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood waiting for a taxi.\n"Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel.  "I'm going west."\n"How wonderful," came the cool reply.  "Bring me back an orange."
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.\n-- Ruth Weston
A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on.\n-- Evan Esar [ And why not?  For why does she have his hat on?  Ed.]
A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on.\n-- Fred Allen
A girl with a future avoids the man with a past.\n-- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor"
A girl's best friend is her mutter.\n-- Dorothy Parker
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
A good man always knows his limitations.\n-- Harry Callahan
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.\n-- Michel de Montaigne
A guy has to get fresh once in a while so a girl doesn't lose her confidence.
A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.\n-- Helen Rowland
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.\n-- Lillian Day
A man always needs to remember one thing about a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them.\n-- Mencken
A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married.  After that it's cheating.\n-- Yves Montand
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself.\n-- Du Bois
A man in love is incomplete until he is married.  Then he is finished.\n-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek"
A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.\n-- Brendan Francis
A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart.\n-- Richard Thompson
A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.\n-- Samuel Johnson
A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim.
A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he is able to answer.\n-- Ronald Colman
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
A man's gotta know his limitations.\n-- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry"
A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object in the whole creation.\n-- Goldsmith
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.\n-- Frost
A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.\n-- Gloria Steinem
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing.\n-- Joey Adams
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to.\n-- Overheard in an algebra lecture.
A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who demanded, "Was she not chaste?  Was she not fair?  Was she not fruitful?" holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me.\n-- Plutarch
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there *for the rest of your life*.\n-- Jim Samuels
A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it were quite a struggle.\n-- Edna Ferber
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable.\n-- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed"
A woman forgives the audacity of which her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.\n-- LeSage
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.\n-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows.\n-- Chamfort
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.\n-- Nietzsche
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.\n-- Stendhal
A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume.\n-- Maurine Lewis
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.\n-- Gloria Steinem
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
A woman's best protection is a little money of her own.\n-- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women"
A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate.
A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.\n-- Jane Austen
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young man.\n-- Moms Mabley
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them continues to pay for it.\n-- Peggy Joyce
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.\n-- Arthur Baer
Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.\n-- Norman Mailer
All heiresses are beautiful.\n-- John Dryden
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, a cat, no maybe a dog.  Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. Definitely a dog.
All the men on my staff can type.\n-- Bella Abzug
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. A pessimist is a married optimist.
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her companion. "See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.\n-- Hedy Lamarr
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.\n-- Groucho Marx
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to be childless. The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.\n-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
At last I've found the girl of my dreams.  Last night she said to me, "Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie.\n-- Strange de Jim
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.\n-- Nicolas Chamfort
Basically my wife was immature.  I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.\n-- Woody Allen
Be circumspect in your liaisons with women.  It is better to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman.\n-- De Maintenon
Be prepared to accept sacrifices.  Vestal virgins aren't all that bad.
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage they are "Let's eat out."
Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear.
Being owned by someone used to be called slavery -- now it's called commitment.
Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut? Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.\nIt's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
Bigamy is having one spouse too many.  Monogamy is the same.
Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black nightgowns do with keeping warm.\n-- Hester Mundis, "Powermom"
Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.\n-- James Thurber
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.\n-- Kin Hubbard
Brigands will demand your money or your life, but a woman will demand both.\n-- Samuel Butler
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.\n-- Socrates
Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.\n-- Kathleen Norris
Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man.\n-- Joubert
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.\n-- William Congreve
Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember.\n-- Oliver Herford
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.\n-- DeGourmont
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married?
Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may have got him.
Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.  Probably soon after she throws me out.
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.\n-- Scottish Proverb
Dull women have immaculate homes.
Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.\n-- Jackie Mason
... eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his original joy his falling in love with Ada.\n-- Nabokov
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a male schlemiel.\n-- Ewald Nyquist
Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife."
"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous ..."\n-- Robert Benchley
Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that.\n-- Barrie
Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me.
Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more stressful than divorce.\n-- Wall Street Journal
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really self-respecting woman would take advantage of it.\n-- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island"
Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself.\n-- Helen Rowland
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.\n-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.\n-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! but with break of day I went to make supplication.\n-- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D.
For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged him to do so.  "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to spend my evenings?"\n-- Chamfort
Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils.
Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. "What happened?"\n"I was struck by the beauty of the place."
FROM THE DESK OF\nRapunzel Dear Prince:\nUse ladder tonight -- you're splitting my ends.
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girl friend.
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.\n-- Archie Goodwin
Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with certain curvilinear properties.\n-- Ashley Montagu
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for yourself!
Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
God created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair.
God created woman.  And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- but many other things ceased as well.  Woman was God's second mistake.\n-- Nietzsche
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Hat check girl|"Goodness!  What lovely diamonds!" Mae West: "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie."\n-- "Night After Night", 1932
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool.\n-- Balzac
He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his senses until the day of judgement.\n-- Saadi
Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?
High heels are a device invented by a woman who was tired of being kissed on the forehead.
Him:	"Your skin is so soft.  Are you a model?" Her:	"No,"  [blush]  "I'm a cosmetologist." Him:	"Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle\nweightlessness."\n-- "The Jerk"
His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage.\n-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor.\n-- Samuel Butler
Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with.\n-- Moore
How much for your women?  I want to buy your daughter... how much for the little girl?\n-- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"
"How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy social climber said to her roommate.  "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche full of money before."
I am very fond of the company of ladies.  I like their beauty, I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence.\n-- Samuel Johnson
I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable.\n-- Ogden Nash
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.\n-- Betty MacDonald
I can't mate in captivity.\n-- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married.
I come from a small town whose population never changed.  Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.\n-- Michael Prichard
I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.
"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me."\n-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER.  And maybe I don't want to.  Her spirit was wild, like a wild monkey.  Her beauty was like a beautiful horse being ridden by a wild monkey.  I forget her other qualities.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.\n-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.
I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination.\n-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they didn't is just lyin'!\n-- Willie Nelson
I like being single.  I'm always there when I need me.\n-- Art Leo
I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull that kidnapped Europa.\n-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
I like young girls.  Their stories are shorter.\n-- Tom McGuane
I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.\n-- Rita Rudner
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.\n-- Walt Disney
I married beneath me.  All women do.\n-- Lady Nancy Astor
I met a wonderful new man.  He's fictional, but you can't have everything.\n-- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo"
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today.\n-- Will Rogers
