I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic.  To see the sights I'm never going to visit.
I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on believing that some men are my equals.\n-- Brigid Brophy
I respect the institution of marriage.  I have always thought that every woman should marry -- and no man.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair"
I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... and then natural selection reared its ugly head.
I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.\n-- Saki, "Reginald on Worries"
I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after.\n-- Chick
I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!"\n-- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.\n-- Freud
I was in a beauty contest one.  I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.\n-- Phyllis Diller
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.\n-- Chico Marx
I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new one every day.\n-- Heine
I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, only they won't let me raise my voice.\n-- Winkle
I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.
I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.\n-- Brenda Starr
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.\n-- W.C. Fields
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to match the men.\n-- George Eliot
I'm very old-fashioned.  I believe that people should marry for life, like pigeons and Catholics.\n-- Woody Allen
I've been in more laps than a napkin.\n-- Mae West
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.\n-- Tallulah Bankhead
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.\n-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.\n-- Frances Rodman
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.\n-- Mort Sahl
If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. Twice, it's much too much.  Three times, it's the story of your life.
If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce.\n-- Jack Nicholson
If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.\n-- Oscar Wilde
If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days women behave the most like the way men behave all month long?\n-- Gloria Steinham
If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.\n-- Aristotle Onassis
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.\n-- Anton Chekhov
If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal.\n-- Abigail Van Buren
If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.
If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.\n-- Ann Landers
If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands.
If you want me to be a good little bunny just dangle some carats in front of my nose.\n-- Lauren Bacall
If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman.\n-- Michelet
If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.\n-- Alan King
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him.\n-- Anton Chekhov
In buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God.
In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.  This is called Monotony.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- a practice which is still continued.\n-- Helen Rowland
Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same token it is the shortest detour to marriage.\n-- Wilson Mizner
Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in?\n-- Ralph Emerson
Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that would make them better prospects?
It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair to get in, and those within despair of getting out.\n-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.\n-- Will Rogers
It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind.\n-- H. Warner Munn
It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take.  This is untrue.  Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give enough.\n-- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin"
It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion|love does not lie in the ear.\n-- Walpole
It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public.  It always makes people think that he beats her when they're alone.  The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks like a happy married life.\n-- Oscar Wilde
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.\n-- H.L. Mencken
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.\n-- Maimie Van Doren
It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it.
It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest since the middle of my marriage.  There was energy, softness, grace and laughter.  I even took my socks off.  In my circle, that means class.\n-- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944"
It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.\n-- Tim Conway
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.\n-- Mae West
It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time.\n-- Tallulah Bankhead
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about women.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present\nat the conception.\n-- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane"
Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.\n-- Mae West
Keep women you cannot.  Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six months.\n-- Moore
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.\n-- Benjamin Franklin
Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and sapphire bracelet lasts for ever.\n-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
Lady Nancy Astor|"Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
Lank: Here we go.  We're about to set a new record. Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? Lank: We've done it.  Earl has set a new record.  Turned down by\n20,000 women.\n-- Lank and Earl
Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.\n-- Lord Kelvin
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.\n-- Benjamin Franklin
Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward.\n-- Miss November, 1966
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate the difference between one young woman and another.\n-- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara"
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.\n-- Alan McKay
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.\n-- Lazarus Long
Lonely men seek companionship.  Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.
Lots of girls can be had for a song.  Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.\n-- Goethe
Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.\n-- Dr. Karl Bowman
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.\n-- H.L. Mencken
Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles.\n-- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps"
Macho does not prove mucho.\n-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Man and wife make one fool.
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.\n-- Maurice Chevalier
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.\n-- Stephen Leacock
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.
Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of insincerity possible between two human beings.\n-- Vicki Baum
Marriage causes dating problems.
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet.\n-- Mae West
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.\n-- James Garner
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.\n-- Roger Price
Marriage is an institution in which two undertake to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing.
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in the brewery.\n-- George Jean Nathan
Marriage is learning about women the hard way.
Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with chopsticks.  It looks easy until you try it.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.\n-- Baskins
Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucine, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucine restaurant in the first place.\n-- Calvin Trillin
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.\n-- Voltaire
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.
Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.\n-- Edmond About
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth.\n-- John Lyly
Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months.
Matrimony is the root of all evil.
Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them.\n-- Marilyn Monroe
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.\n-- Jayne Mansfield
Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.  They're attracted by what I don't mind...\n-- Gypsy Rose Lee
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier.\n-- H.L. Mencken
Men have as exaggerated an idea of their rights as women have of their wrongs.\n-- E.W. Howe
Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.\n-- Dorothy Parker
Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality.
Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them.\n-- DeSegur
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.
Men who cherish for women the highest respect are seldom popular with them.\n-- Joseph Addison
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight? Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out. Moe:	So? Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.
Moe:	What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? Joe:	The usual gift -- she ate my heart out.
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.\n-- Lazarus Long
Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.\n-- H.H. Munro
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.\n-- Linda Festa
Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.
Never eat at a place called Mom's.  Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.\n-- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know"
Never go to bed mad.  Stay up and fight.\n-- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints"
Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.\n-- Nelson Algren
Never tell.  Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it.  Yeah.  Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya.  This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'.  I didn't know what I was gonna do..."\n-- Lenny Bruce
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it.\n-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman.\n-- Landor
No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost interest in hair restorers.\n-- Austin O'Malley
No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway.\n-- Arthur Binstead
No one knows like a woman how to say things that are at once gentle and deep.\n-- Hugo
No self-made man ever did such a good job that some woman didn't want to make some alterations.\n-- Kim Hubbard
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother.\n-- Margaret H. Sanger
No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner.\n-- Lord Thomas Dewar
No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.\n-- Edgar Watson Howe
Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. And then it's too late.
Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to the capitalist mode of production.\n-- Herbert Marcuse
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.\n-- Plato
Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between husband and wife.
Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her.\n-- Vanbrugh
One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus.\n-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon"
One is not born a woman, one becomes one.\n-- Simone de Beauvoir
One man's folly is another man's wife.\n-- Helen Rowland
One should always be in love.  That is the reason one should never marry.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock.\n-- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married"
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Scientists still know less about what attracts men than they do about what attracts mosquitoes.\n-- Dr. Joyce Brothers, "What Every Woman Should Know About Men"
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking good.\n-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
She been married so many times she got rice marks all over her face.\n-- Tom Waits
She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to.\n-- Gypsy Rose Lee
She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left.  Excited a few men in the meantime.\n-- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's involvement in "The Avengers".
She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them were bad.
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle ...
She's learned to say things with her eyes that others waste time putting into words.
She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.\n-- Mae West
So many beautiful women and so little time.\n-- John Barrymore
So many men; so little time.
So many women; so little nerve.
So many women; so little time!
"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime."\n"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David."\n"Friday, then?"\n"Why not, David, it might even be fun."\n-- Dating in Minnesota
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning.
Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places!\n-- Mae West
