If I pull this SWITCH I'll be RITA HAYWORTH!!  Or a SCIENTOLOGIST!
if it GLISTENS, gobble it!!
If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun!
If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental Belt," for $10.99!!
In Newark the laundromats are open 24 hours a day!
INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!!
Inside, I'm already SOBBING!
Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship?  Or are we suffering in Safeway?
Is he the MAGIC INCA carrying a FROG on his shoulders??  Is the FROG his GUIDELIGHT??  It is curious that a DOG runs already on the ESCALATOR ...
Is it 1974?  What's for SUPPER?  Can I spend my COLLEGE FUND in one wild afternoon??
Is it clean in other dimensions?
Is it NOUVELLE CUISINE when 3 olives are struggling with a scallop in a plate of SAUCE MORNAY?
Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?
Is this an out-take from the "BRADY BUNCH"?
Is this going to involve RAW human ecstasy?
Is this TERMINAL fun?
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
Isn't this my STOP?!
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
It was a JOKE!!  Get it??  I was receiving messages from DAVID LETTERMAN!! YOW!!
It's a lot of fun being alive ... I wonder if my bed is made?!?
It's NO USE ... I've gone to "CLUB MED"!!
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making FRENCH TOAST!
It's OKAY -- I'm an INTELLECTUAL, too.
It's the RINSE CYCLE!!  They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!!
JAPAN is a WONDERFUL planet -- I wonder if we'll ever reach their level of COMPARATIVE SHOPPING ...
Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...
Kids, don't gross me off ... "Adventures with MENTAL HYGIENE" can be carried too FAR!
Kids, the seven basic food groups are GUM, PUFF PASTRY, PIZZA, PESTICIDES, ANTIBIOTICS, NUTRA-SWEET and MILK DUDS!!
Laundry is the fifth dimension!!  ... um ... um ... th' washing machine is a black hole and the pink socks are bus drivers who just fell in!!
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...
Let me do my TRIBUTE to FISHNET STOCKINGS ...
Let's all show human CONCERN for REVERAND MOON's legal difficulties!!
Let's send the Russians defective lifestyle accessories!
Life is a POPULARITY CONTEST!  I'm REFRESHINGLY CANDID!!
Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!
Loni Anderson's hair should be LEGALIZED!!
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a HIGHBALL?? ...
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
Look!  A ladder!  Maybe it leads to heaven, or a sandwich!
LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!
Make me look like LINDA RONSTADT again!!
Mary Tyler Moore's SEVENTH HUSBAND is wearing my DACRON TANK TOP in a cheap hotel in HONOLULU!
Maybe we could paint GOLDIE HAWN a rich PRUSSIAN BLUE --
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
MMM-MM!!  So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7% of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
My Aunt MAUREEN was a military advisor to IKE & TINA TURNER!!
My BIOLOGICAL ALARM CLOCK just went off ... It has noiseless DOZE FUNCTION and full kitchen!!
My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!!
My EARS are GONE!!
My face is new, my license is expired, and I'm under a doctor's care!!!!
My haircut is totally traditional!
MY income is ALL disposable!
My LESLIE GORE record is BROKEN ...
My life is a patio of fun!
My mind is a potato field ...
My mind is making ashtrays in Dayton ...
My nose feels like a bad Ronald Reagan movie ...
My NOSE is NUMB!
... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!
My pants just went to high school in the Carlsbad Caverns!!!
My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!
My uncle Murray conquered Egypt in 53 B.C.  And I can prove it too!!
My vaseline is RUNNING...
NANCY!!  Why is everything RED?!
NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!!  They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ...
NEWARK has been REZONED!!  DES MOINES has been REZONED!!
Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
Not SENSUOUS ... only "FROLICSOME" ... and in need of DENTAL WORK ... in PAIN!!!
Now I am depressed ...
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
Now I understand the meaning of "THE MOD SQUAD"!
Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...
Now my EMOTIONAL RESOURCES are heavily committed to 23% of the SMELTING and REFINING industry of the state of NEVADA!!
Now that I have my "APPLE", I comprehend COST ACCOUNTING!!
Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!!
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
Oh my GOD -- the SUN just fell into YANKEE STADIUM!!
Oh, I get it!!  "The BEACH goes on", huh, SONNY??
Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS" ...
OKAY!!  Turn on the sound ONLY for TRYNEL CARPETING, FULLY-EQUIPPED R.V.'S and FLOATATION SYSTEMS!!
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?
On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!
On the other hand, life can be an endless parade of TRANSSEXUAL QUILTING BEES aboard a cruise ship to DISNEYWORLD if only we let it!!
On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT.
Once upon a time, four AMPHIBIOUS HOG CALLERS attacked a family of DEFENSELESS, SENSITIVE COIN COLLECTORS and brought DOWN their PROPERTY VALUES!!
One FISHWICH coming up!!
ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES.
ONE:    I will donate my entire "BABY HUEY" comic book collection to\nthe downtown PLASMA CENTER ... TWO:	I won't START a BAND called "KHADAFY & THE HIT SQUAD" ... THREE:	I won't ever TUMBLE DRY my FOX TERRIER again!!
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
Our father who art in heaven ... I sincerely pray that SOMEBODY at this table will PAY for my SHREDDED WHAT and ENGLISH MUFFIN ... and also leave a GENEROUS TIP ....
over in west Philadelphia a puppy is vomiting ...
OVER the underpass!  UNDER the overpass!  Around the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!!
PARDON me, am I speaking ENGLISH?
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!
PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.
People humiliating a salami!
PIZZA!!
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
Psychoanalysis??  I thought this was a nude rap session!!!
PUNK ROCK!!  DISCO DUCK!!  BIRTH CONTROL!!
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
RELATIVES!!
Remember, in 2039, MOUSSE & PASTA will be available ONLY by prescription!!
RHAPSODY in Glue!
SANTA CLAUS comes down a FIRE ESCAPE wearing bright blue LEG WARMERS ... He scrubs the POPE with a mild soap or detergent for 15 minutes, starring JANE FONDA!!
Send your questions to ``ASK ZIPPY'', Box 40474, San Francisco, CA 94140, USA
SHHHH!!  I hear SIX TATTOOED TRUCK-DRIVERS tossing ENGINE BLOCKS into empty OIL DRUMS ...
Should I do my BOBBIE VINTON medley?
Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY??
Should I start with the time I SWITCHED personalities with a BEATNIK hair stylist or my failure to refer five TEENAGERS to a good OCULIST?
Sign my PETITION.
So this is what it feels like to be potato salad
So, if we convert SUPPLY-SIDE SOYABEAN FUTURES into HIGH-YIELD T-BILL INDICATORS, the PRE-INFLATIONARY risks will DWINDLE to a rate of 2 SHOPPING SPREES per EGGPLANT!!
Someone in DAYTON, Ohio is selling USED CARPETS to a SERBO-CROATIAN
Sometime in 1993 NANCY SINATRA will lead a BLOODLESS COUP on GUAM!!
Somewhere in DOWNTOWN BURBANK a prostitute is OVERCOOKING a LAMB CHOP!!
Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
Somewhere in Tenafly, New Jersey, a chiropractor is viewing "Leave it to Beaver"!
Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!!  I wonder why?
TAILFINS!! ... click ...
TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
Tex SEX!  The HOME of WHEELS!  The dripping of COFFEE!!  Take me to Minnesota but don't EMBARRASS me!!
Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL
Thank god!! ... It's HENNY YOUNGMAN!!
The appreciation of the average visual graphisticator alone is worth the whole suaveness and decadence which abounds!!
The entire CHINESE WOMEN'S VOLLEYBALL TEAM all share ONE personality -- and have since BIRTH!!
The fact that 47 PEOPLE are yelling and sweat is cascading down my SPINAL COLUMN is fairly enjoyable!!
The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ...
... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued OYSTER!  Yum!
The Korean War must have been fun.
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!!
The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS around 1953!!
The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...
There is no TRUTH.  There is no REALITY.  There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS.   I'm very probably wrong.
There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!
There's enough money here to buy 5000 cans of Noodle-Roni!
"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"\n"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"\n"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!"
These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!
They collapsed ... like nuns in the street ... they had no teen appeal!
This ASEXUAL PIG really BOILS my BLOOD ... He's so ... so ... URGENT!!
"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG."\n-- Bob Violence
This is a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!!
This MUST be a good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against someone's MARTINI!!
... this must be what it's like to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!
This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
This PORCUPINE knows his ZIPCODE ... And he has "VISA"!!
This TOPS OFF my partygoing experience!  Someone I DON'T LIKE is talking to me about a HEART-WARMING European film ...
Those aren't WINOS -- that's my JUGGLER, my AERIALIST, my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!!
Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules --
Today, THREE WINOS from DETROIT sold me a framed photo of TAB HUNTER before his MAKEOVER!
Toes, knees, NIPPLES.  Toes, knees, nipples, KNUCKLES ... Nipples, dimples, knuckles, NICKLES, wrinkles, pimples!!
TONY RANDALL!  Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN??
Uh-oh -- WHY am I suddenly thinking of a VENERABLE religious leader frolicking on a FORT LAUDERDALE weekend?
Uh-oh!!  I forgot to submit to COMPULSORY URINALYSIS!
UH-OH!!  I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by mistake!!!
UH-OH!!  I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!!  Ha ha.
Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!
UH-OH!!  We're out of AUTOMOBILE PARTS and RUBBER GOODS!
Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
Wait ... is this a FUN THING or the END of LIFE in Petticoat Junction??
Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN?  It tastes REAL GOOD!!
We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...
We have DIFFERENT amounts of HAIR --
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
We place two copies of PEOPLE magazine in a DARK, HUMID mobile home. 45 minutes later CYNDI LAUPER emerges wearing a BIRD CAGE on her head!
Well, here I am in AMERICA..  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE it.  I HATE it.  I LIKE ... EMOTIONS are SWEEPING over me!!
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES ROOM ...
Well, O.K.  I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
Were these parsnips CORRECTLY MARINATED in TACO SAUCE?
What a COINCIDENCE!  I'm an authorized "SNOOTS OF THE STARS" dealer!!
What GOOD is a CARDBOARD suitcase ANYWAY?
What I need is a MATURE RELATIONSHIP with a FLOPPY DISK ...
What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf?
What PROGRAM are they watching?
What UNIVERSE is this, please??
What's the MATTER Sid? ... Is your BEVERAGE unsatisfactory?
When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...
When this load is DONE I think I'll wash it AGAIN ...
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING BILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
Where does it go when you flush?
Where's SANDY DUNCAN?
Where's th' DAFFY DUCK EXHIBIT??
Where's the Coke machine?  Tell me a joke!!
While my BRAINPAN is being refused service in BURGER KING, Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!!
While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
WHO sees a BEACH BUNNY sobbing on a SHAG RUG?!
WHOA!!  Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!!  It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!
Why are these athletic shoe salesmen following me??
Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your own ZIPCODE?
Why is everything made of Lycra Spandex?
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT CENTER with you??
Will it improve my CASH FLOW?
Will the third world war keep "Bosom Buddies" off the air?
Will this never-ending series of PLEASURABLE EVENTS never cease?
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
World War III?  No thanks!
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!
Wow!  Look!!  A stray meatball!!  Let's interview it!
Xerox your lunch and file it under "sex offenders"!
Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON MAIDEN concert?
You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th' distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!
You were s'posed to laugh!
YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
Your CHEEKS sit like twin NECTARINES above a MOUTH that knows no BOUNDS --
Youth of today!  Join me in a mass rally for traditional mental attitudes!
Yow!
Yow!  Am I having fun yet?
Yow!  Am I in Milwaukee?
Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!
Yow!  Are we laid back yet?
Yow!  Are we wet yet?
Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
Yow!  Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie??
Yow!  I just went below the poverty line!
Yow!  I threw up on my window!
Yow!  I want my nose in lights!
Yow!  I want to mail a bronzed artichoke to Nicaragua!
Yow!  I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill!
Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!
Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?
Yow!  Is this sexual intercourse yet??  Is it, huh, is it??
Yow!  It's a hole all the way to downtown Burbank!
Yow!  It's some people inside the wall!  This is better than mopping!
Yow!  Maybe I should have asked for my Neutron Bomb in PAISLEY --
Yow!  Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!
Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!
Yow!  Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!
Yow!  We're going to a new disco!
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!
YOW!!  I'm in a very clever and adorable INSANE ASYLUM!!
YOW!!  Now I understand advanced MICROBIOLOGY and th' new TAX REFORM laws!!
YOW!!  The land of the rising SONY!!
YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!
YOW!!  What should the entire human race DO??  Consume a fifth of CHIVAS REGAL, ski NUDE down MT. EVEREST, and have a wild SEX WEEKEND!
YOW!!!  I am having fun!!!
Zippy's brain cells are straining to bridge synapses ...
