//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke he exclaimed:\n"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,\nor a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
Hackers of the world, unite!
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
/* Halley */\n(Halley's comment.)
Happiness is a hard disk.
Happiness is twin floppies.
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"\n"Yes, I don't have one."\n"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."\n-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.\n-- Phil Lapsley
HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!! Details at 11.
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
HOLY MACRO!
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are 3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.\n-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?\n-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!\nOh wait...\nI'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.\nNever mind.
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
I am NOMAD!
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.\n-- Dennis Ritchie
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.\n-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
I bet the human brain is a kludge.\n-- Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...\n-- F. H. Wales (1936)
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.\n-- Isaac Asimov
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and implement a PL/1 compiler.\n-- T. Cheatham
I have a very small mind and must live with it.\n-- E. Dijkstra
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.\n-- Rob Pike, on X. Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be gone in two years.  He was half right. -- Dennis Ritchie Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. -- Jim Gettys
I have not yet begun to byte!
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
I think there's a world market for about five computers.\n-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.  It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.\n-- Dennie van Tassel
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!\n-- Joel Halpern
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...\n-- with regrets to D. Adams
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second.\n-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.\n-- Rob Stampfli
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right.\n-- Alistair Cooke
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.\n-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.\n-- G. Hirst
If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.\n-- Phil Lapsley
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."\n-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.\n-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.\n-- Norm Schryer
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful feature, that.\n-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, paper folding, or something.\n-- C. Philip Wood
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.\n-- Pierre Gallois
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.
If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work together yet.\n-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
Ignorance is bliss.\n-- Thomas Gray Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: BLISS is ignorance.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.\n-- Jeff Raskin
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network anyway.\n-- The 5th Wave
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, the answer may be obtained by inspection.
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our programming languages.
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.\n-- James Slagle
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.\n-- Paul Licker
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.\n-- Alan Perlis
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.\n-- Henry Spencer
>>> Internal error in fortune program|>>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. INSTRUCTION SET\nCode	Mnemonic	What\n0	NOP		No Operation\n1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
IOT trap -- core dumped
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
: is not an identifier
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely used higher level language for systems programming.\n-- J. Sammet
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?\n-- Alan Perlis
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.\n-- K&R
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.\n-- Dion, noted computer scientist
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
It's multiple choice time...\nWhat is FORTRAN?\na: Between thre and fiv tran.\nb: What two computers engage in before they interface.\nc: Ridiculous.
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."\n-- Cal Keegan
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...\n-- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?]
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it).\n-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.\n-- D. Gries
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Know Thy User.
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
Let the machine do the dirty work.\n-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.\n-- Dave Olson
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Lisp Users|Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated computer network!  It was a Tolkien Ring...
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.\n-- Marvin Minsky
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
Loose bits sink chips.
Mac Airways|The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."\n"What about X?"\n"I said `intellectual'."\n;login, 9/1990
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and play games -- but not with pleasure.\n-- Leo Rosten
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.\n-- Wernher von Braun
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.\n-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it? Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.\n-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
Marvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me! What a finely tuned response to the situation!
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.\n-- R. S. Barton
Memory fault - where am I?
Memory fault -- brain fried
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.\n-- P.J. Denning
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.\n-- Henry Spencer
Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really know what we are doing.\n-- E. Dijkstra
Multics is security spelled sideways.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down by the seashore.
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.\n-- Brent Welch
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.\n-- D. Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.\n-- Steinbach
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
Never trust an operating system.
Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain sex to a virgin.\n-- Robert Heinlein (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.\n-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
New systems generate new problems.
*** NEWS FLASH *** Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.
news: gotcha
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
No directory.
No extensible language will be universal.\n-- T. Cheatham
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware until three software guys have signed off for it.\n-- Andy Tanenbaum
No line available at 300 baud.
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author.\n-- Chris Shaw
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone and Telegraph Company.\n-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking machine, 1943.
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
My little brother got this fortune|nohup rm -fr /& So he did...
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.\n-- Rob Pike
Nothing happens.
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette."\n-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating? Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other.
Oh, so there you are!
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in the code over again, since I also removed the source.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.\n-- P. Denning
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.\n-- Cartoon caption
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.\n-- Charles Babbage
