"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."\n-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and failed.\n- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"\n-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite improvements."\n-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors
"We will bury you."\n-- Nikita Kruschev
"Now here's something you're really going to like!"\n-- Rocket J. Squirrel
"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars."\n-- Steve Martin
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."\n-- B. L. Whorf
"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?"\n- Post Brothers comics
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation."\n-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."\n-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
"I've seen it.  It's rubbish."\n-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice."\n-- Robert Green Ingersoll
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.\n- Darse ("Darth") Vader
"All Bibles are man-made."\n-- Thomas Edison
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?" "Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."
"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."\n-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."\n-- Albert Einstein
"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."\n-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."\n- Samuel Goldwyn
"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."\n-- Richard J. Daley
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."\n-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro
"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."\n-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."\n-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned."\n-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."\n-- Yogi Berra
"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record"\n-- message from "diff"
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."\n-- The Godfather
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the world."\n-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp.
"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent to a gang bent on destruction."\n-- John Cage, composer
"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard."\n-- composer John Cage, 1937
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."\n-- Tom Anderson
"Most people would like to be delivered from\ntemptation but would like it to keep in touch."\n-- Robert Orben
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist fears this is true.
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."\n-- Chuck Newcombe
Dead?	No excuse for laying off work.
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries."\n-- William George Jordan
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."\n-- George Bernard Shaw
"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."\n-- Adlai Stevenson
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."\n-- Bernard Berenson
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing."\n-- Robert Orben
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."\n-- William James
"Tell the truth and run."\n-- Yugoslav proverb
"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back."\n-- Abigail Van Buren
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."\n-- Marlo Thomas
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."\n-- David McCord
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults."\n-- Peter De Vries
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."\n-- Alfred Adler
"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."\n-- Helen Keller
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."\n-- Albert Einstein
"Success covers a multitude of blunders."\n-- George Bernard Shaw
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."\n-- William Stekel
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."\n-- Badger comics
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?"\n-- Sonic Disruptors comics
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."\n-- Soren F. Petersen
"You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this."\n-- from the movie "The Lost Boys"
"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please."\n-- The Phantom comics
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten."\n-- Doug Larson
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."\n-- Walt West
"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."\n-- G. B. Stearn
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current."\n-- Thomas Jefferson
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
"But this one goes to eleven."\n-- Nigel Tufnel
"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?"\n-- A. Brilliant
"I don't know what their\ngripe is.  A critic is\nsimply someone paid to\nrender opinions glibly."\n"Critics are grinks and\ngroinks."\n-- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics
"I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart."\n-- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie"
"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'"\n-- Dennis Miller, "Satuday Night Live" News
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."\n-- Dave Barry
SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited]\n-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies work."\n-- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place"
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."\n-- Dave Barry
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'"\n--Tammy Faye Bakker
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute, for they shall be know as Dentists.
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon."\n-- Howard Chaykin
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?"\n"No." "'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."\n-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters [ditto]
"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and seizure.  Man, that was really Out There."\n"I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..."\n-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."\n-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"\n- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"\n"It does not work that way.  RUN!"\n-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."\n-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest"
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."\n-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
Victory or defeat!
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."\n-- Harlan Ellison
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"\n-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."\n-- George Carlin
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
"Daddy, Daddy, make\nSanta Claus go away!"\n"I can't, son;\nhe's grown too\npowerful."\n"HO HO HO!"\n-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"\n-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it"\n-- Captain Combat
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Letterman
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.    -- David Letterman
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Hello again, Peabody here..."\n-- Mister Peabody
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."\n-- Rick Obidiah
"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100 feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can remain submerged for up to 3 weeks."\n-- Garrison Keillor
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, science fiction..."\n-- Art Spiegelman
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design classes, you know?"\n-- Art Spiegelman
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead\nshow, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to\nthe moon and back... and none of them would be\ncomplaining."\n-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."\n-- Spaceballs
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical experiments instead of rats?\na)  There are more lawyers than rats.\nb)  The scientist's don't become as\nemotionally attached to them.\nc)  There are some things that even rats\nwon't do for money.
"During the race\nWe may eat your dust,\nBut when you graduate,\nYou'll work for us."\n-- Reed College cheer
Pohl's law|Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."\n-- James Watt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this\ncountry what it once was... an arctic wilderness."\n-- Steve Martin
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."\n-- Woody Allen
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."\n-- Clint Eastwood
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.\n-- Lew Col
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?|A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab|Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Captain Penny's Law|You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool mom.
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] an interesting role for an actor."\n-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor"
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."\n-- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."\n-- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."\n-- Hannah Arendt.
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi. (What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)
"I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."\n-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"\n-- George Carlin
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"\n-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.\n-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing, the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a walnut."\n-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."\n-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."\n-- David Letterman
It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.\n-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein
A good USENET motto would be|a. "Together, a strong community." b. "Computers R Us." c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on company time."\n-- A Sane Man
"He didn't run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"\n-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?"\n-- Garrison Keillor
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."\n-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."\n-- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."\n-- Sledge Hammer
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you\nin a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP"\n-- Blue Devil comics
"All God's children are not beautiful.	Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."\n-- Fran Lebowitz
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"\n-- Lily Tomlin
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"\n-- Buckaroo Banzai
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"\n-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."\n-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"\n"No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"\n-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.\n-- Russian Proverb
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."\n-- Howard Aiken
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"\n-- David Parnas
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."\n-- C. Schulz
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell."\n-- Saint Augustine
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."\n-- F. Borquin
"I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.	It means we\nget to keep all our old mistakes."\n-- Dennie van Tassel
