Carson's Consolation|Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear|If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
Carswell's Corollary|Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
Cat, n.|Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Chamberlain's Laws|(1) The big guys always win.\n(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
character density, n.|The number of very weird people in the office.
Charity, n.|A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
checkuary, n|The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
Chef, n.|Any cook who swears in French.
Cheit's Lament|If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need.
Chemicals, n.|Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Cheops' Law|Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36|Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".\n-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84|The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you.\n-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
Chicken Soup|An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.\n-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Chism's Law of Completion|The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law|When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Christmas|A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year.
Churchill's Commentary on Man|Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Cinemuck, n.|The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
clairvoyant, n.|A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Clarke's Conclusion|Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
Clay's Conclusion|Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
clone, n|1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly|The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
COBOL|An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
COBOL|Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
Cohen's Law|There is no bottom to worse.
Cohn's Law|The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Cold, adj.|When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
Cole's Law|Thinly sliced cabbage.
Collaboration, n.|A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.
College|The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Colvard's Logical Premises|All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Command, n.|Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
comment|A superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't.
Commitment, n.|[The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.  The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Committee, n.|A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.\n-- Fred Allen
Commoner's three laws of ecology|(1) No action is without side-effects.\n(2) Nothing ever goes away.\n(3) There is no free lunch.
Complex system|One with real problems and imaginary profits.
Compliment, n.|When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
compuberty, n|The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and a sun4 is put online sharing files.
Computer, n.|An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
Concept, n.|Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.
Conference, n.|A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do.
Confidant, confidante, n|One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Confirmed bachelor|A man who goes through life without a hitch.
Consent decree|A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place.
Consultant, n.|(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel.
Consultant, n.|[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con\n(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of "insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet.
Consultant, n.|An ordinary man a long way from home.
consultant, n.|Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
Consultant, n.|Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
Consultation, n.|Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
Conversation, n.|A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Conway's Law|In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Copying machine, n.|A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them.
Coronation, n.|The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Correspondence Corollary|An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
Corry's Law|Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
court, n.|A place where they dispense with justice.\n-- Arthur Train
Coward, n.|One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Creditor, n.|A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability|If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
critic, n.|A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Croll's Query|If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
Cropp's Law|The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office.
Cruickshank's Law of Committees|If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so much work has already been done on it.
cursor address, n|"Hello, cursor!"\n-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Cursor, n.|One whose program will not run.\n-- Robb Russon
Cutler Webster's Law|There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Cynic, n.|A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Cynic, n.|Experienced.
Cynic, n.|One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Data, n.|An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
Data, n.|Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
Davis' Law of Traffic Density|The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
Davis's Dictum|Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
Dawn, n.|The time when men of reason go to bed.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Deadwood, n.|Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
Death wish, n.|The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
Decision maker, n.|The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.
default, n.|[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.\n-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Default, n.|The hardware's, of course.
Deja vu|French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.
Deliberation, n.|The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Dentist, n.|A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Denver, n.|A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
design, v.|What you regret not doing later on.
DeVries' Dilemma|If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dibble's First Law of Sociology|Some do, some don't.
Die, v.|To stop sinning suddenly.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite)|1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 1 carton milk
diplomacy, n|Lying in state.
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics|(1) Get elected.\n(2) Get re-elected.\n(3) Don't get mad, get even.\n-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
disbar, n|As distinguished from some other bar.
Distinctive, adj.|A different color or shape than our competitors.
Distress, n.|A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
divorce, n|A change of wife.
Documentation|Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.
double-blind experiment, n|An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
Dow's Law|In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
Drakenberg's Discovery|If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology|The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
drug, n|A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
Ducharme's Precept|Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Duty, n|What one expects from others.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Eagleson's Law|Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
economics, n.|Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
economist, n|Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Egotism, n|Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ehrman's Commentary|(1) Things will get worse before they get better.\n(2) Who said things would get better?
Elbonics, n.|The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Electrocution, n.|Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Elephant, n.|A mouse built to government specifications.
Emacs, n.|A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
Emerson's Law of Contrariness|Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Encyclopedia Salesmen|Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Endless Loop, n.|see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless, n.: see Endless Loop.\n-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
enhance, v.|To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
Entreprenuer, n.|A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
Envy, n.|Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one.
Epperson's law|When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Every program has (at least) two purposes|the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
Expense Accounts, n.|Corporate food stamps.
Experience, n.|Something you don't get until just after you need it.\n-- Olivier
Expert, n.|Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
Fairy Tale, n.|A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Fakir, n|A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
falsie salesman, n|Fuller bust man.
Famous last words|(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."\n(2) "You and what army?"\n(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
Famous quotations|" "\n-- Charlie Chaplin " " -- Harpo Marx " " -- Marcel Marceau
Famous, adj.|Conspicuously miserable.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
fenderberg, n.|The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Ferguson's Precept|A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
Fidelity, n.|A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror|If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination|Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
File cabinet|A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
filibuster, n.|Throwing your wait around.
Finagle's Creed|Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's First Law|If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law|No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Seventh Law|The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Third Law|In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries:\n(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.\n(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Fine's Corollary|Functionality breeds Contempt.
Finster's Law|A closed mouth gathers no feet.
First Law of Bicycling|No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
First law of debate|Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
First Law of Socio-Genetics|Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History|History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Fishbowl, n.|A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation.
flannister, n.|The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Flon's Law|There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law|When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fog Lamps, n.|Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
