Foolproof Operation|No provision for adjustment.
Forecast, n.|A prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
Forgetfulness, n.|A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror|The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision|It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics|If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.\n-- David Ellis
Fresco's Discovery|If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Fried's 1st Rule|Increased automation of clerical function invariably results in increased operational costs.
Friends, n.|People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.
Fuch's Warning|If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition|Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Fun experiments|Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
Fun Facts, #14|In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
Fun Facts, #63|The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 1510.
furbling, v.|Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature|Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
Genderplex, n.|The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
genealogy, n.|An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Genius, n.|A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."
genius, n.|Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people.
genlock, n.|Why he stays in the bottle.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary:\nFollowing the rules will not get the job done.
Gilbert's Discovery|Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
Ginsburg's Law|At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
gleemites, n.|Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability|Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Gnagloot, n.|A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Goda's Truism|By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Gold's Law|If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Gold, n.|A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Goldenstern's Rules|(1) Always hire a rich attorney\n(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gomme's Laws|(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.\n(2) Time accelerates.\n(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Gordon's first law|If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Gordon's Law|If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
gossip, n.|Hearing something you like about someone you don't.\n-- Earl Wilson
Goto, n.|A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.\n-- Ray Simard
Government's Law|There is an exception to all laws.
Grabel's Law|2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Grandpa Charnock's Law|You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
grasshopotomaus|A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
Gravity|What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
Great American Axiom|Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
Green's Law of Debate|Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Greener's Law|Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder|Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Griffin's Thought|When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity|At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
Guillotine, n.|A French chopping center.
Gumperson's Law|The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries|(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.\n(2)  The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
gurmlish, n.|The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
guru, n.|A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
guru, n|A computer owner who can read the manual.
H. L. Mencken's Law|Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Hacker's Law|The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Quicky #313|Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk
hacker, n.|A master byter.
Hale Mail Rule, The|When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following:\n(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.\n(b) Stationery.\n(c) Postage stamp.\n(d) The letter you are answering.
Hand, n.|A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
handshaking protocol, n|A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
Hangover, n.|The burden of proof.
hangover, n.|The wrath of grapes.
Hanlon's Razor|Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time|There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Happiness, n.|An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
hard, adj.|The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of other people.
Hardware, n.|The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Harriet's Dining Observation|In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
Harris's Lament|All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab|Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Harrison's Postulate|For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartley's First Law|You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Hatred, n.|A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hawkeye's Conclusion|It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.
Heaven, n.|A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
heavy, adj.|Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
Heller's Law|The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
Hempstone's Question|If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Herth's Law|He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
Hewett's Observation|The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged.
Hildebrant's Principle|If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
History, n.|Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.\n-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
Hitchcock's Staple Principle|The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.
Hlade's Law|If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems|Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hoffer's Discovery|The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
Hofstadter's Law|It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Hollerith, v.|What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
honeymoon, n.|A short period of doting between dating and debting.\n-- Ray C. Bandy
Honorable, adj.|Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate|Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation|Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Household hint|If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY|#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY|#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY|#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
Howe's Law|Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Hubbard's Law|Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle|The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uh.....
IBM Pollyanna Principle|Machines should work.  People should think.
IBM's original motto|Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
IBM|It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
idiot box, n.|The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Idiot, n.|A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
idleness, n.|Leisure gone to seed.
ignisecond, n|The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
ignorance, n.|When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
Iles's Law|There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. Neither will Iles.
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension|In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
Immutability, Three Rules of|(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.\n(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.\n(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
Impartial, adj.|Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
inbox, n.|A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
incentive program, n.|The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to keep it."
Incumbent, n.|Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
index, n.|Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
Infancy, n.|The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Information Center, n.|A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Processing|What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
Ingrate, n.|A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
ink, n.|A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.\n-- H.L. Mencken
innovate, v.|To annoy people.
insecurity, n.|Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your favorite words. Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to the person who told it to you.
interest, n.|What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and burned out employees must feign.
Interpreter, n.|One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
intoxicated, adj.|When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
Iron Law of Distribution|Them that has, gets.
ISO applications|A solution in search of a problem!
Issawi's Laws of Progress|The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
It is fruitless|to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
"It's in process"|So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
italic, adj|Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government|No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Jenkinson's Law|It won't work.
Jim Nasium's Law|In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to each other so that everybody is cramped.
job interview, n.|The excruciating process during which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
job Placement, n.|Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
jogger, n.|An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
Johnny Carson's Definition|The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Johnson's First Law|When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
Johnson's law|Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
Jones' First Law|Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.
Jones' Motto|Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Jones' Second Law|The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Juall's Law on Nice Guys|Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
Justice, n.|A decision in your favor.
Kafka's Law|In the fight between you and the world, back the world.\n-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages|For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING package of snack food. Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package of lunch meat.
Katz' Law|Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.\n-- Abba Eban
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics|Population density is inversely proportional to the square of the distance from the keg.
