Kaufman's Law|A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
Kennedy's Market Theorem|Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've got to go broke.
Kent's Heuristic|Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
kern, v.|1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system.
kernel, n.|A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art.
Kettering's Observation|Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness|Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
Kin, n.|An affliction of the blood.
Kington's Law of Perforation|If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest part of the paper.
Kinkler's First Law|Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.
Kliban's First Law of Dining|Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Kludge, n.|An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a distressing whole.\n-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
Knebel's Law|It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
knowledge, n.|Things you believe.
Kramer's Law|You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr)|The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Labor, n.|One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Lackland's Laws|(1) Never be first.\n(2) Never be last.\n(3) Never volunteer for anything
Lactomangulation, n.|Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Langsam's Laws|(1) Everything depends.\n(2) Nothing is always.\n(3) Everything is sometimes.
Larkinson's Law|All laws are basically false.
laser, n.|Failed death ray.
Laura's Law|No child throws up in the bathroom.
Law of Communications|The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Law of Continuity|Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.
Law of Procrastination|Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Law of the Jungle|He who hesitates is lunch.
Laws of Serendipity|(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.\n(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
lawsuit, n.|A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer's Rule|When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom|No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
learning curve, n.|An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it.
Lee's Law|Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many!
Leibowitz's Rule|When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
leverage, n.|Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
Lewis's Law of Travel|The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Liar, n.|A lawyer with a roving commission.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Liar|one who tells an unpleasant truth.\n-- Oliver Herford
Lie, n.|A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Lieberman's Law|Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
life, n.|A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
life, n.|Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
life, n.|That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
lighthouse, n.|A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
like|When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
Linus' Law|There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
lisp, v.|To call a spade a thpade.
Lockwood's Long Shot|The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
love,  n.|Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
love, n.|When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
love, n.|When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
love, n.|When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
love, n.|When, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
love, v.|I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
Lowery's Law|If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology|There's always one more bug.
Lunatic Asylum, n.|The place where optimism most flourishes.
Machine-Independent, adj.|Does not run on any existing machine.
Mad, adj.|Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Madison's Inquiry|If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Magary's Principle|When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
Magnocartic, adj.|Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.\n-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Magpie, n.|A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Main's Law|For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Maintainer's Motto|If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Majority, n.|That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Male, n.|A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Malek's Law|Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
malpractice, n.|The reason surgeons wear masks.
management, n.|The art of getting other people to do all the work.
manic-depressive, adj.|Easy glum, easy glow.
Manly's Maxim|Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
manual, n.|A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information you need is in the others.\n-- Ray Simard
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery|Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
marriage, n.|An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love.  In short, committment to an institution.
marriage, n.|Convertible bonds.
Marriage, n.|The evil aye.
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth|Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
Maryann's Law|You can always find what you're not looking for.
Maslow's Maxim|If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.
Mason's First Law of Synergism|The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
Matz's Law|A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
May's Law|The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance|When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom|If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Meade's Maxim|Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Meader's Law|Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
meeting, n.|An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
meetings, n.|A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
memo, n.|An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American|The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American|The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American|All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American|Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it.
Menu, n.|A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Meskimen's Law|There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
meterologist, n.|One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
Micro Credo|Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
micro|Thinker toys.
Miksch's Law|If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Miller's Slogan|Lose a few, lose a few.
millihelen, n.|The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Minicomputer|A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
MIPS|Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
Misfortune, n.|The kind of fortune that never misses.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
MIT|The Georgia Tech of the North
Mitchell's Law of Committees|Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
mittsquinter, adj.|A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Mix's Law|There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
mixed emotions|Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. With five empty seats.
mixed emotions|Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... in your brand new Mercedes.
modem, adj.|Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. [That's sic!]
modesty, n.|Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
Modesty|The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.\n-- Oliver Herford
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis|If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
momentum, n.|What you give a person when they are going away.
Moon, n.|1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
Moore's Constant|Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
mophobia, n.|Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
Morton's Law|If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering|Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Mr. Cole's Axiom|The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
mummy, n.|An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
Murphy's Law of Research|Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Laws|(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.\n(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.\n(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
Murray's Rule|Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
Mustgo, n.|Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.\n-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
My father taught me three things|(1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water.\n(2) Never try to draw to an inside straight.\n(3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
Nachman's Rule|When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.\n-- Gerald Nachman
narcolepulacyi, n.|The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
nerd pack, n.|Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling	in his pack.
neutron bomb, n.|An explosive device of limited military value because, as it only destroys people without destroying property, it must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
new, adj.|Different color from previous model.
Newlan's Truism|An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Newman's Discovery|Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
Newton's Law of Gravitation|What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.  Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law|A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Nick the Greek's Law of Life|All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules|The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
no brainer|A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
no maintenance|Impossible to fix.
nolo contendere|A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do it again."
nominal egg|New Yorkerese for expensive.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations|Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Nouvelle cuisine, n.|French for "not enough food". Continental breakfast, n.: English for "not enough food". Tapas, n.: Spanish for "not enough food". Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
November, n.|The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery|When comes the revolution, things will be different -- not better, just different.
Nowlan's Theory|He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.
Nusbaum's Rule|The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
O'Brian's Law|Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen|Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law|Murphy was an optimist.
Occam's eraser|The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
Office Automation|The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
Official Project Stages|(1) Uncritical Acceptance\n(2) Wild Enthusiasm\n(3) Dejected Disillusionment\n(4) Total Confusion\n(5) Search for the Guilty\n(6) Punishment of the Innocent\n(7) Promotion of the Non-participants
Ogden's Law|The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Old Japanese proverb|There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice.
Old timer, n.|One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
Oliver's Law|Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Olmstead's Law|After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
omnibiblious, adj.|Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."
On ability|A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.\n-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
On the subject of C program indentation|"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."\n-- Blair P. Houghton
On-line, adj.|The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Once, adv.|Enough.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
One Page Principle|A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.\n-- Mark Ardis
"One size fits all"|Doesn't fit anyone.
One-Shot Case Study, n.|The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
optimist, n|A bagpiper with a beeper.
Oregano, n.|The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
Osborn's Law|Variables won't; constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws|(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.\n(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.\n(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.\n(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
pain, n.|One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
Painting, n.|The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
