Pandora's Rule|Never open a box you didn't close.
Paprika Measure|2 dashes    ==  1smidgen 2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch 3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon 2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika
paranoia, n.|A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
Pardo's First Postulate|Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats.
Parkinson's Fifth Law|If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law|The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
party, n.|A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names.
Pascal Users|The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly.
Pascal Users|To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
Pascal|A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.\n-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
Patageometry, n.|The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.
patent|A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
Paul's Law|In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Paul's Law|You can't fall off the floor.
paycheck|The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
Peace, n.|In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Pecor's Health-Food Principle|Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
Pedaeration, n.|The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
pediddel|A car with only one working headlight.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Peers's Law|The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
Penguin Trivia #46|Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.\n-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
pension|A federally insured chain letter.
People's Action Rules|(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.\n(2) Some people who should, won't.\n(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.\n(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.\n(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
perfect guest|One who makes his host feel at home.
Performance|A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
pessimist|A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door. optimist: A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants. opportunist: A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
Peter's Law of Substitution|Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peter's Principle of Success: Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
Peterson's Admonition|When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong.
Peterson's Rules|(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.\n(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.\n(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.\n(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
petribar|Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Phases of a Project|(1)	Exultation. (2)	Disenchantment. (3)	Confusion. (4)	Search for the Guilty. (5)	Punishment for the Innocent. (6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
philosophy|The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
philosophy|Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
phosflink|To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life).\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Pickle's Law|If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
pixel, n.|A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
Pohl's law|Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
poisoned coffee, n.|Grounds for divorce.
politics, n.|A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Pollyanna's Educational Constant|The hyperactive child is never absent.
polygon|Dead parrot.
Poorman's Rule|When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
Portable, adj.|Survives system reboot.
Positive, adj.|Mistaken at the top of one's voice.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
poverty, n.|An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
Power, n.|The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
prairies, n.|Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
Prejudice|A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning|It's on the other side.
Price's Advice|It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
Priority|A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
problem drinker, n.|A man who never buys.
program, n.|A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
program, n.|Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation always justifies hiring at least three more people.
Programming Department|Mistakes made while you wait.
progress, n.|Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons invading the body and taking possession of it. Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
prototype, n.|First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
Pryor's Observation|How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.
Pudder's Law|Anything that begins well will end badly.\n(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
purpitation, n.|To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Putt's Law|Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
QOTD|"It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope."
QOTD|"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
QOTD|"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
QOTD|"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"\n-- Joan of Arc
QOTD|"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
QOTD|"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
QOTD|"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
QOTD|"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work."
QOTD|"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish."
QOTD|"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
QOTD|"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket."
QOTD|"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
QOTD|"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
QOTD|"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
QOTD|"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
QOTD|"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
QOTD|"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
QOTD|"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
QOTD|"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
QOTD|"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it didn't work."
QOTD|"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off."
QOTD|"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
QOTD|"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
QOTD|"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost."
QOTD|"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
QOTD|"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
QOTD|"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
QOTD|"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner."
QOTD|"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
QOTD|"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
QOTD|"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
QOTD|"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
QOTD|"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
QOTD|"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on strike.  To make less money."
QOTD|"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff."
QOTD|"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
QOTD|"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
QOTD|"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?"
QOTD|"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
QOTD|"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
QOTD|"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
QOTD|"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore."
QOTD|"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."
QOTD|"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
QOTD|"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
QOTD|"It's been Monday all week today."
QOTD|"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
QOTD|"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
QOTD|"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
QOTD|"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
QOTD|"Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part."
QOTD|"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
QOTD|"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
QOTD|"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
QOTD|"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?"
QOTD|"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
QOTD|"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
QOTD|"Our parents were never our age."
QOTD|"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
QOTD|"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
QOTD|"She's about as smart as bait."
QOTD|"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question."
QOTD|"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it."
QOTD|"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
QOTD|"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
QOTD|"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left."
QOTD|"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
QOTD|"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you think he was broken!"
QOTD|"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I mess things up."
QOTD|"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call "baring your neck."
QOTD|"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
QOTD|"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs."
QOTD|"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
QOTD|"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? How...  tribal."
QOTD|"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
QOTD|All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
QOTD|All I want is more than my fair share.
QOTD|Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!
QOTD|How can I miss you if you won't go away?
QOTD|I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.\n-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
QOTD|I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
QOTD|I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the ball in their court.\n-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
QOTD|I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
QOTD|I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
QOTD|I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
QOTD|If it's too loud, you're too old.
QOTD|If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
QOTD|Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.\n-- Goodstein, States of Matter
QOTD|Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
QOTD|My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
QOTD|On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.
QOTD|Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
QOTD|Silence is the only virtue he has left.
QOTD|Some people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.
QOTD|Talent does what it can, genius what it must. I do what I get paid to do.
QOTD|Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work and the others are more than willing to watch them.
QOTD|The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean the snakes have gone away.
QOTD|The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the gerbil has more dark meat.
QOTD|Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...
Quality control, n.|Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
Quality Control, n.|The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
quark|The sound made by a well bred duck.
Quigley's Law|Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it.
Ralph's Observation|It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry.
Random, n.|As in number, predictable.  As in memory access, unpredictable.
Ray's Rule of Precision|Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
Re: Graphics|A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.
Real Time, adj.|Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
Reappraisal, n.|An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
Reception area, n.|The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- Cosmopolitan.
Recursion n.|See Recursion.\n-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
Reformed, n.|A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
Regression analysis|Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.
Reichel's Law|A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia|If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Reliable source, n.|The guy you just met.
Renning's Maxim|Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
Reporter, n.|A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Reputation, adj.|What others are not thinking about you.
Research, n.|Consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. When he got back he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else's money.
Revolution, n.|A form of government abroad.
Revolution, n.|In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
revolutionary, adj.|Repackaged.
Ritchie's Rule|(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.\n(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.\n(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
Robot, n.|University administrator.
Robustness, adj.|Never having to say you're sorry.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention|Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Rudd's Discovery|You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can stay in Washington and make it there.
