Rudin's Law|If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
rugged, adj.|Too heavy to lift.
Rule #1|The Boss is always right. Rule #2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
Rule of Creative Research|(1) Never draw what you can copy.\n(2) Never copy what you can trace.\n(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Defactualization|Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Rule of Feline Frustration|When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Rule of the Great|When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Rules for Academic Deans|(1)  HIDE!!!!\n(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!\n-- Father Damian C. Fandal
Rules for driving in New York|(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.\n(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.\n(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
Rune's Rule|If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Ryan's Law|Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Sacher's Observation|Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
Satellite Safety Tip #14|If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Sattinger's Law|It works better if you plug it in.
Savage's Law of Expediency|You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
scenario, n.|An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
Schapiro's Explanation|The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure.
Schlattwhapper, n.|The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Schmidt's Observation|All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
scribline, n.|The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Second Law of Business Meetings|If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
Second Law of Final Exams|In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
Secretary's Revenge|Filing almost everything under "the".
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine|Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
Self Test for Paranoia|You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
Senate, n.|A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
senility, n.|The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.
serendipity, n.|The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
Serocki's Stricture|Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Shannon's Observation|Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to improve.
share, n.|To give in, endure humiliation.
Shaw's Principle|Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Shedenhelm's Law|All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
Shick's Law|There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
Silverman's Law|If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law|Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor)|That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Slous' Contention|If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
Slurm, n.|The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Snacktrek, n.|The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
snappy repartee|What you'd say if you had another chance.
Sodd's Second Law|Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Software, n.|Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
spagmumps, n.|Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading|The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
Spence's Admonition|Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
Spirtle, n.|The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.\n-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Spouse, n.|Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
squatcho, n.|The button at the top of a baseball cap.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
standards, n.|The principles we use to reject other people's code.
statistics, n.|A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
Steckel's Rule to Success|Good enough is never good enough.
Steele's Law|There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men or fewer than one hundred.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy|Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming|Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Stenderup's Law|The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Stock's Observation|You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls your flippers off.
Stone's Law|One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
strategy, n.|A comprehensive plan of inaction.
Strategy|A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Stult's Report|Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
Stupid, n.|Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Sturgeon's Law|90% of everything is crud.
sugar daddy, n.|A man who can afford to raise cain.
SUN Microsystems|The Network IS the Load Average.
sunset, n.|Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with progressively reducing solar elevation.
sushi, n.|When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape.
Sushido, n.|The way of the tuna.
Swahili, n.|The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.\n-- Johnny Hart
Sweater, n.|A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Swipple's Rule of Order|He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
system-independent, adj.|Works equally poorly on all systems.
T-shirt of the Day|Head for the Mountains\n-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! -- courtesy someone else
T-shirt Of The Day|I'm the person your mother warned you about.
T-shirt|Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
Tact, n.|The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
take forceful action|Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
tax office, n.|Den of inequity.
Taxes, n.|Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.
taxidermist, n.|A man who mounts animals.
teamwork, n.|Having someone to blame.
Telephone, n.|An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
telepression, n.|The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Teutonic|Not enough gin.
The 357.73 Theory|Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5.
The Abrams' Principle|The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter|I don't mind... and you don't matter.\n-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
The Beatles|Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development|To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
The Consultant's Curse|When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong medicine, and is normally only required once.
The Fifth Rule|You have taken yourself too seriously.
The First Rule of Program Optimization|Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet.\n-- Michael Jackson
The five rules of Socialism|(1) Don't think.\n(2) If you do think, don't speak.\n(3) If you think and speak, don't write.\n(4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.\n(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.\n-- being told in Poland, 1987
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws|(1) You can't push on a string.\n(2) Ain't no free lunches.\n(3) Them as has, gets.\n(4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences|He who has the gold makes the rules.
The Gordian Maxim|If a string has one end, it has another.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle|You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The Illiterati Programus Canto 1|A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
The Kennedy Constant|Don't get mad -- get even.
The Law of the Letter|The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
The Marines|The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
The Marines|The few, the proud, the not very bright.
The most dangerous organization in America today is|(a) The KKK\n(b) The American Nazi Party\n(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards|Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."
The Phone Booth Rule|A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's|"My brain is paged out to my liver."
The real man's Bloody Mary|Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. Fill a large tumbler with vodka. Throw all the other ingredients away.
The Roman Rule|The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics|If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!\n-- Jim Warner
The Seventh Commandments for Technicians|Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee|The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)\n-- Dan Roddick
The Third Law of Photography|If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
The three biggest software lies|(1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.\n(2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from will fix the microcode.\n(3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
The three laws of thermodynamics|(1) You can't get anything without working for it.\n(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.\n(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof:\nNo cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.\nTherefore, a cat has nine tails.
Theory of Selective Supervision|The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.
theory, n.|System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print.
There are three ways to get something done|(1) Do it yourself.\n(2) Hire someone to do it for you.\n(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
Those lovable Brits department|They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
Three rules for sounding like an expert|(1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.\n(2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored.\n(3) Come up with three rules of your own.
Thyme's Law|Everything goes wrong at once.
timesharing, n|An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
Tip of the Day|Never fry bacon in the nude. [Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]
today, n.|A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life|If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
transfer, n.|A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
transparent, adj.|Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it"\n-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. virtual, adj.: Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. "I can see it, but it's not there." -- Lady Macbeth.
travel, n.|Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
"Trust me"|Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
Truthful, adj.|Dumb and illiterate.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Tsort's Constant|1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified)
Turnaucka's Law|The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Tussman's Law|Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
U.S. of A.|"Don't speak to the bus driver." Germany: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." England: "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" Italy: "Don't answer the driver."
Udall's Fourth Law|Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb|Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics|Superiority is recessive.
understand, v.|To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the basis of your own internal model instead.
Unfair animal names|-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead -- booby			-- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker			-- Clarence -- Gary Larson
unfair competition, n.|Selling cheaper than we do.
union, n.|A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
Universe, n.|The problem.
University, n.|Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
Unnamed Law|If it happens, it must be possible.
untold wealth, n.|What you left out on April 15th.
User n.|A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
user, n.|The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."\n-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used when they meant "idiot."  Ed.]
vacation, n.|A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate.
Vail's Second Axiom|The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.
Van Roy's Law|An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Van Roy's Law|Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
Vanilla, adj.|Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food, very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot and sour won ton soup.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation|(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.\n(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
VMS, n.|The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
volcano, n.|A mountain with hiccups.
Volley Theory|It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.
vuja de|The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
Walters' Rule|All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation on a plane that left Gate 1.
Watson's Law|The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
"We'll look into it"|By the time the wheels make a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it, too.
we|The single most important word in the world.
weapon, n.|An index of the lack of development of a culture.
Wedding, n|A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
