Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.  Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.\n-- David Letterman
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."\n-- Saint Patrick
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America".\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?\n-- Allen Ginsberg
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.\n-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.\n-- A Chinese child
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.\n-- A.P. Herbert
Anything anybody can say about America is true.\n-- Emmett Grogan
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.\n-- P.J. O'Rourke
Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game - it, and high taxes.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.\n-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.\n-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.
Do you know Montana?
Eli and Bessie went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.\n"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It's cold outside!" Half asleep, Eli murmured,\n"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.\n-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.\n-- Mike Royko
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? One fortunate cookie...
"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California."
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.\n-- Wayne Shannon
Houdini escaping from New Jersey! Film at eleven.
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.\n-- Yul Brynner, 1956
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.\n-- graffito in Los Angeles On a clear day, U.C.L.A. -- graffito in San Francisco There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben
"I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?"\n-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get parts.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.\n-- Stuart Keate
In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows.\n-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.\n-- Carolyn Jones
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid.  That's because they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those little paper envelopes.
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?\n-- Herb Caen
It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.  If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.\n-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.\n-- Alexander Korda
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.\n-- Sydney J. Harris
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.\n-- Alan J. Perlis
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.\n-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.\n-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.\n-- Candice Bergen
Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.\n-- Andy Warhol
Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.\n-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.\n-- Richard Lewis
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.\n-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.\n-- David Letterman
No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."\n-- "The Begatting of a President"
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim," she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, and God, this is goodbye.  We're moving to Hollywood."
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.\n-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.  I myself would say that it had merely been detected.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Providence, New Jersey, is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.\n-- Herb Caen
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?"  And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."\n-- David Letterman
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.\n-- Winston Churchill, 1942
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle -- on the back of a dollar.\n-- Finlay Peter Dunne
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.\n--Salvador De Madariaga
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.\n-- Nora Ephron
The British are coming!  The British are coming!
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
The difference between America and England is that the English think 100 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.\n-- Mel Brooks
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.\n-- G. B. Shaw
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.\n-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.\n-- Somerset Maugham
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
The goys have proven the following theorem...\n-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom lecture.
The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I have a quarter?"\nThe Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"\nThe panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're right!  Can I have a dollar?"
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.\n-- Andy Warhol
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?\n-- Derek Wills
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.\n-- Woody Allen
The San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.\n-- Little Big Man
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.\n-- Calvin Trillin
There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.\n-- Ross MacDonald
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of course, I never heard the story before.
There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.\n-- G. Gordon Liddy
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.\n-- Frank Lloyd Wright
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan to spend a few days there.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred thousand.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To know Edina is to reject it.\n-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.\n-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."\n-- David Letterman
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.\n-- David Letterman
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains! [1] visit, v.:\nCome for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes,\nthen leave.  We'll be happy to see your money again next year.\nYou can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy.
We don't care how they do it in New York.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.\n-- Garrison Keillor
What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?\n-- Jack Kerouac
Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.\n-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.\n-- Samuel Johnson
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.\n-- Weber cartoon caption
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."\n-- Franklyn Ajaye
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id.\n-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.\n-- Rita Rudner
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.\n-- Guindon
