A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.\n-- Groucho Marx
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.\n-- Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.\n-- Steven Wright
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.\n-- Walt Kelly
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"\n-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.\n-- Woody Allen
And now for something completely different.
And now for something completely the same.
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"\nNo, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."\n-- Monty Python
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.\n-- Woody Allen
Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with scented bootlaces.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either.\n-- Oscar Wilde
"Boy, life takes a long time to live."\n-- Steven Wright
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat.\n-- Raoul Duke
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
"But I don't want to go on the cart..."\n"Oh, don't be such a baby!"\n"But I'm feeling much better..."\n"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"\n-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
Death didn't answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.\n-- C. Schulz
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?\n-- Steven Wright
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.\n-- Walt Kelly
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow in Australia.\n-- Charles Schulz
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.\n-- Woody Allen
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?\n-- Tom Stoppard
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!\n-- Bill Cosby
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.\n-- Steven Wright
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.\n-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.\n-- Steven Wright
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"\n-- Jay Leno
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?\n-- Gallagher
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."\n-- William Gilbert
Humorists always sit at the children's table.\n-- Woody Allen
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.\n-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.\n-- Steven Wright
I am two with nature.\n-- Woody Allen
I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.\n-- Dave Barry
"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."\n"Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.\n-- Gilda Radner
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.\n-- Steven Wright
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."\n-- Steven Wright
I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.\n-- Groucho Marx
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.\n-- Jack Benny
I don't get no respect.
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."\n-- Bruce Baum
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.\n-- Woody Allen
I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.\n-- Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."\n-- Steven Wright
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.\n-- Steven Wright
I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.\n-- Dave Barry
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.\n-- Steven Wright
I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.\n-- Steven Wright
I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... I just... to make a long story short..."\n-- Steven Wright
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.\n-- Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".\n-- Steven Wright
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.\n-- Richard Diran
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"\n-- Steven Wright
I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.\n-- Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.\n-- Steven Wright
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.\n-- Charles Schulz
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get there, but I'm going first class.\n-- Art Buchwald
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."\n-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.\n-- Steven Wright
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.\n-- Groucho Marx
I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.\n-- Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.\n-- Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.\n-- Steven Wright
"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.\n"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."\n"Why?"\n"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.\n-- Steven Wright
I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than most western countries.\n-- George Burns
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.\n-- Woody Allen
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.\n-- Steven Wright
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.\n-- Firesign Theatre
I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces, working for scale.\n-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.\n-- Woody Allen
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the place.\n-- Steven Wright
I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.\n-- Steven Wright
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.\n-- Steven Wright
I was the best I ever had.\n-- Woody Allen
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".\n-- Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."\n-- Steven Wright
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"\n-- Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"\n-- Steven Wright
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.\n-- Groucho Marx
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.\n-- Groucho Marx
I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.\n-- Lenny Bruce
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.\n-- Fred Allen
I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.\n-- Woody Allen
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!\n-- Spider Robinson
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.\n-- Woody Allen
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.\n-- Groucho Marx
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.\n-- Dave Barry
If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?\n-- Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.\n-- George Burns
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.\n-- Woody Allen
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?\n-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
In like a dimwit, out like a light.\n-- Pogo
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?\n-- Steven Wright
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.\n-- Woody Allen
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.\n-- Groucho Marx
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what it was: something resembling white marble.\n-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.\n-- Steven Wright
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.\n-- Groucho Marx
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.\n-- Woody Allen
Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.\n-- Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving... every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was.\n-- Steven Wright
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.\n-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
Life is wasted on the living.\n-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....\n-- Walt Kelly
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".\n-- Steven Wright
My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.\n-- Steven Wright
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.\n-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.\n-- Zonker Harris
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Now is the time for all good men to come to.\n-- Walt Kelly
One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.\n-- Larry Gelbart
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too dark to read.\n-- Groucho Marx
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."\n-- Steven Wright
Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget. Unsuccessfully.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.\n-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.\n-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
Showing up is 80% of life.\n-- Woody Allen
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.\n-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.\n-- W. C. Fields
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.\n-- Will Rogers
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.\n-- Art Buchwald
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.\n-- Benjamin Franklin.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.\n-- Steven Wright
"The pyramid is opening!"\n"Which one?"\n"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"\n-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.\n-- W.C. Fields
There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw.\n-- Walt Kelly
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.\n-- Lily Tomlin
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.\n-- Will Rogers
This land is full of trousers! this land is full of mausers!\nAnd pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!\n-- Firesign Theater
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.\n-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.\n-- Walt Kelly
We have met the enemy, and he is us.\n-- Walt Kelly
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.\n-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.\n-- Steve Martin
What's another word for "thesaurus"?\n-- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"\n-- Steven Wright
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.\n-- Rodney Dangerfield
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."\n-- Steven Wright
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?\n-- Steven Wright
Will Rogers never met you.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...\n-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?\n-- Steven Wright
You may already be a loser.\n-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.\n-- Groucho Marx
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.\n-- Jim Samuels to a heckler Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer. -- Steve Martin to a heckler When your IQ rises to 28, sell. -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
