A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.\n-- Ben Franklin
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional courtesy," he explained.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.\n-- Robert Frost
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".\n"Sure do," replied the bartender.\n"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns."
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year.
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.\n-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English language.
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought he was melting...
Another day, another dollar.\n-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan.
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards.
Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.\n-- Beyond the Fringe
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked him, after a few days.\n"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle.
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.\n-- Cary Grant
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.\n-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.\n-- Gore Vidal
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions|We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that someone has been very careless.\n-- 78 So. 365.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18|\nQ:  Are you married?|A:  No, I'm divorced.|Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?|A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19|\nQ:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?|A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25|\nQ:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?|A:  No ma'am.|Q:  Does that mean you consented?|A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29|THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32|\nQ:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?|A:  I will be three months November 8th.|Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?|A:  Yes.|Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37|\nQ:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?|A:  No.|Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?|A:  Picking them up in the air.|Q:  Where was the dog at this time?|A:  Attached to the ears.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41|\nQ:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?|A:  By death.|Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52|\nQ:  What is your name?|A:  Ernestine McDowell.|Q:  And what is your marital status?|A:  Fair.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7|\nQ:  What happened then?|A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."|Q:  Did he kill you?|A:  No.
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.\n-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out of the American Bar Association
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.\nWhen Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
How do you insult a lawyer?\nYou might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.\nOnce someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?
Humor in th Court|\nQ: Do you drink when you're on duty?|A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Humor in the Court|Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do you go to? A.  Oral. Q.  How old are you? A.  Oral.
Humor in the Court|Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of? A.  My ex-widow said it.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A.  I refuse to answer that question. Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A.  I refuse to answer that question. Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A.  No.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A.  I should be. Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide? A.  Four times.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased? A.  Yes, sir. Q.  Before or after he died?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: (Showing man picture.) That's you?|A: Yes, sir.|Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: ...and what did he do then?|A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.|Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?|A: The victim lived.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?|A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Are you sexually active?|A: No, I just lie there.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Could you see him from where you were standing?|A: I could see his head.|Q: And where was his head?|A: Just above his shoulders.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?|A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?|A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?|A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did!
Humor in the Court|\nQ: What is the meaning of sperm being present?|A: It indicates intercourse.|Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?|A: She is my daughter.|Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.\n-- Fratianno
