I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm glad I was not born before tea.\n-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.\n-- John Foreman
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
I'm not proud.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
I've Been Moved!
I've been there.
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
Identify your visitor.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."\n-- Paul White
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
If God is One, what is bad?\n-- Charles Manson
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!\n-- Samuel Goldwyn
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
If I love you, what business is it of yours?\n-- Johann van Goethe
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.\n-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?\n-- Robert Moses
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.\n-- Doug Larson [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be fertilizing it.
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence would not be false.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?\n-- Art Hoppe
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.\n-- Robert Lowell
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.\n-- John Galsworthy
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.\n-- Petersen Nesbit
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.\n-- Jules de Gaultier
Imagine what we can imagine!\n-- Arthur Rubinstein
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"\n-- The Kidner Report
In my end is my beginning.\n-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
Include me out.
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Is death legally binding?
Isn't air travel wonderful?  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the manes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.\n-- Emerson
It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.\n-- Leonardo da Vinci
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.\n-- Hawkwind
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...\n--- James Dent
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.\n-- Danny Vermin
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.\n-- Kim Hubbard
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Join the march to save individuality!
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.\n-- Irene Peter
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
Kilroe hic erat!
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
Knocked, you weren't in.\n-- Opportunity
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.\n-- Henry N. Camp
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.\n-- L. Pasteur
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
Language is a virus from another planet.\n-- William Burroughs
Laughing at you is like drop-kicking a wounded humming bird.
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.\n-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.\n-- Austen Briggs
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.\n-- Paul Gauguin
Life is both difficult and time-consuming.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
Life is like a simile.
Life is like an analogy.
Life is not for everyone.
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.\n-- G.B. Shaw
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Littering is dumb.\n-- Ronald Macdonald
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!\n-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...\n-- Stephen Sondheim
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
Love the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach.
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.\n-- Russell Banks
Madness takes its toll.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
Metermaids eat their young.
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.\n-- Jean Cocteau
Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
Most general statements are false, including this one.\n-- Alexander Dumas
Mother Earth is not flat!
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.\n-- Arnold Bennett
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.\n-- The Mad Palindromist
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.\n-- Anonymous
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
Never volunteer for anything.\n-- Lackland
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.\n-- William Blake
No guts, no glory.
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.\n-- Nietzsche
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.\n-- M.J. 0'Donnell
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.\n-- Spinoza
Nothing can be done in one trip.\n-- Snider
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.\n-- Michel de Montaigne
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.\n-- Ebner-Eschenbach
Nothing lasts forever. Where do I find nothing?
NOTICE|-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."\n-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
O imitators, you slavish herd!\n-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
O.K., fine.
Odets, where is thy sting?\n-- George S. Kaufman
Oh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.
Onward through the fog.
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.  Now ... just try to find out where!
Pardon me while I laugh.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
Piece of cake!\n-- G.S. Koblas
Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!\n-- Green Lantern Comics
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.\n-- Niels Bohr
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.\n-- Ogden Nash
Progress was all right.  Only it went on too long.\n-- James Thurber
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
Pyros of the world... IGNITE !!!
QED.
Quack!\nQuack!! Quack!!
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
Quod erat demonstrandum.\n[Thus it is proven.  For those who wondered WTF QED means.]
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Reality -- what a concept!\n-- Robin Williams
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.\n-- Hans Liepmann
Remember the... the... uhh.....
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
Ring around the collar.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Safety Third.
Sailors in ships, sail on!  Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
Santa Claus is watching!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Save the bales!
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it.
