A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.\n-- Robert Frost
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.\n-- Paul Valery
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.\n-- Milton Berle
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.\n-- Parkinson
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.\n-- R. Stallman
A company is known by the men it keeps.
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.\n-- Dyer
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.\n-- Robert Benchley
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
A man is known by the company he organizes.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.\n-- Dean Acheson
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.\n-- Samuel Goldwyn
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.\n-- Herbert Hoover
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.\n-- Sinclair Lewis
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.\n-- George Orwell
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.\n-- Henry Tyroon
All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on).\n-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.\n-- Robert Benchley
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.\n-- Publius Syrus
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.\n-- Peter G. Alaquon
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
Been Transferred Lately?
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
Biz is better.
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit. General:	What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.\n-- Jay Ward
Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.\n-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
Business will be either better or worse.\n-- Calvin Coolidge
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.\n-- Robert Frost
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Chairman of the Bored.
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.\n-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.\n-- Gene Scott
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."\n-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.\n-- Josh Billings
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.\n-- James Blish
Dealing with failure is easy|Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.\n-- C.N. Parkinson
Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"\n"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"\n"I've never done anything illegal before."\n"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.\n-- James J. Ling
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!"
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.\n"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is.\n-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"\n-- Robert Orben
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.\n-- Jack Hurley
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.\n-- Arthur Miller
Everyone who comes in here wants three things|(1) They want it quick.\n(2) They want it good.\n(3) They want it cheap. I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.\n-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.\n-- Miller
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know." Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.\n-- John G. Pollard
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
Fear is the greatest salesman.\n-- Robert Klein
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!
For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.\n-- Andy Capp
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.\n-- Thomas Alva Edison
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary:\nFollowing the rules will not get the job done.
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest."\n-- Eric Clapton
God help those who do not help themselves.\n-- Wilson Mizner
God helps them that help themselves.\n-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.\n-- R.E. Schenk
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?\n-- Charlie McCarthy
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.\n-- Bion
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"\n"Whattaya need?"\n"Oh, about $500."\n"Whattaya got for collateral?"\n"Whattaya need?"\n"How about an eye?"\n-- Sam Giancana
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?\nWE CAN HELP! Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
Hire the morally handicapped.
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.\n-- Plato
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.\n-- F.M. Hubbard
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.\n-- Mark Guido
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you?
"How many people work here?"\n"Oh, about half."
Human resources are human first, and resources second.\n-- J. Garbers
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.
I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.\n-- M. Gallaher
I don't do it for the money.\n-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.\n-- Elvis Presley
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve immortality through not dying.\n-- Woody Allen
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.\n-- H.L. Mencken
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.\n-- Oscar Wilde
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.\n-- John D. Rockefeller
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?\n-- Raoul Duke
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.\n-- Bill Hoest
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.\n-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
I owe the public nothing.\n-- J.P. Morgan
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.\n-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.\n-- David Rockefeller
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.\n-- Henny Youngman
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.\n-- G.K. Chesterton
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.\n-- W.C. Fields
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.\n-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's got to be a better way.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.\n-- Douglas Jerrold
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.\n-- Abigail Van Buren
If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.\n-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play for once!
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real good, you will get out of it.
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check.
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.\n-- Walter Hagen
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.\n-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.\n-- J. Paul Getty
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time to do it over?
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.\n-- Neil Bogart
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.\n-- Swami Prabhupada
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.\n-- Earl Wilson
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.\n-- Dorthy Parker
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.\n-- Ben Franklin
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves|the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and make it better.
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.\n-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Innovation is hard to schedule.\n-- Dan Fylstra
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
It is better to live rich than to die rich.\n-- Samuel Johnson
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
